Delicious Placebo

Well it’s week.. 3? 4? I can’t even remember.  The Shepherd Pratt intensive outpatient program isn’t bad but it’s not great either.  I’m learning a few things, but overall it’s all stuff I already know.  With 5 group therapy sessions a day, you’d think I’d be getting more out of it.  I’m still rating pretty high on the blah scale (from 0 to 10, with 0 being no blah feelings at all, I’m at about an 8).  So today they added yet another pill to my cocktail.  Now I have 6 pills a day to take, plus the one pill that is “as needed.”  I have heard people say they have gone off their meds and they did really well.  I hate taking all these damn pills.  Why can’t I be one of those people?

Oh and I just found this out about the new medication: Lamotrigine prescribing information has a black box warning about life threatening skin reactions, including Stevens-Johnson Syndrome and Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis. (which causes your outer and inner layers of skin to separate)

That meme taken from everyone…

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I am sunburned. My feet are killing me. I am obscenely tired. And, the man falling asleep next to me (or passing out from painkillers) is running a fever. He should have stayed home. I should have stayed home to make him stay with me. I don’t know what else to do to take care of him. I have taken his temp every half hour for the last 3 hours. He is either delirious or just loopy from the painkillers because he makes no sense when he talks. End of my rope? I’m there.

Im watching the Olympics opening ceremony and I keep thinking “Wow! That’s so neat! How are they going to top THAT?!” And then.. they do!  I don’t think I’ve watched an Olympics opening ceremony since I was a kid but tonight has been a sofa night for me and I figured I’d check it out.  I can’t even explain how crazy amazing the levels they have gone to for this show.  Just dayum

So much in my head to say.. I don’t think anyone cares about my angst.  Usually I just keep it all in, try to let it go.. I’m feeling like I should release my angst into the universe now for no real reason.

• still out from work – I missed my psych appointment on Friday because I was puking my guts out.  I can’t go back to work until a psych says I’m cleared.  I’m not even sure they’ll clear me until I’m medicated.  That means that there is the potential for about 4 more weeks off work.  You would think this would be good, but no, because this is all unpaid leave.
• money – I’m so glad that mdrf_lumpy is working now because all of my vacation time and such is used up.  August bills are due, and we’re now living on his paycheck.  I just realized that faire is approaching fast and I don’t know how we’re going to afford fairevers or gas to get there.
• faire – Sweet merciful crap, it’s almost here.  We have to get down to the wolfstone/potomac booths for cleaning in like, a week?  Two weeks?  Time is really flying by and I have so many appointments to keep track of right now.  I can’t even figure out what day of the week it is most of the time.

Aside from the day to day goings on, I’ve been really racking my brain about my “situation.”  I guess I’m calling it that since part of the racking is me trying to figure out and accept my mental status.  See, there I go again… all the therapists and psychiatrists use the word “illness” or “disease” but even though I’ve lived this way for my whole life, I’ve never felt like I was sick.  I havn’t figured out the root of those thoughts yet, but there they are.  It’s blaringly obvious to me right now that I am indeed sick.  I am in need of medical attention and medication.  I have a disease that can kill me (in a round-about sort of way, but you know what I mean, yea?).  I’m just pissed off right now.  Pissed off that I can’t manage anything.  I can’t remember things, can’t always motivate myself to do things as simple as shower every day, and mustering the energy to call or visit any of my doctors is nigh impossible (and I really just have to force myself to do it).  I was really optimistic when this started a few weeks ago.. I felt like I was getting help… but this week has just been full of crying and hopelessness.
There’s this quote from Dick Cavett’s blog that I read on one of my support forums that I can really relate to right now…   “..when you’re downed by this affliction, if there were a curative magic wand on the table eight feet away, it would be too much trouble to go over and pick it up”

So, that’s where I am right now.  Who knows where I’m going next.

Week number two of no work for me.  My psych appointment got delayed another week so right now, I can’t even be cleared to go back until after the 8th.  I don’t qualify for disability until I’ve been absent for 30 days so right now I’m using up all my sick, vacation, and personal days.. and then asking others to donate days to me.  Oh joy of joys.  Isn’t it great when you’re so obscenely stressed that you cant work and then on top of that you have extra stress because you’re not working?  I’m finding that everything in life is just one giant catch 22.  I’m eternally damned if I do, and yea, if I don’t too.
Oh, and I broke our new blender tonight.  I am so awesome I can hardly stand it.

I couldn’t handle it.. all that hair.. It has been chopped! No shaved head this time, but its super short again. It feels good and so far I’m happy. Color will be next. I can’t wait to hear what all the people managing my mental health are going to say about this.

The amusing flash game of the day.. Gates vs. Jobs in a duel to the death!

Well.. I guess it was only a matter of time.  I stopped taking my meds back in May because I didn’t like what they were doing to me.  I also don’t like the idea of having to take them every day for the rest of my life.  I guess I really need to come to terms with this idea though because I’ve gone downhill and now I’m off work pending an evaluation and treatment.  I had to call the emergency EAP counselor on Thursday night at work because I was sort of freaking out or having a panick attack or something.  The woman who evaluated me today said “your paper says you are OFF duty.. but we didnt know for how long, so we left it open ended.”  Basicaly, I can’t go back to work until they can prove tht I will be able to function at my job.  I have to burn all of my sick, vacation, and personal time in order to get paid something while I’m off.  I can look into short term disability but don’t know if that applies until after you’re gone for 30 days.  Who knows.  Right now I just want the people in charge to tell me what to do so that I don’t have to think.  I’m glad I have some time off.. maybe it will help.  I don’t know if I could take losing another job (lost my last one in a very similar situation).

I’m feeling so off.  Everything at work is sucky – it’s too hard to readjust to switching shifts.  Stuff is missing from my PC.  One of the techs in the room wants me to install and configure a proxy for him (why he cant manage this on his own, when he is a PC tech, I don’t know).  I didn’t want to get out of bed today.  I wish I had a magic teleporter machine so I could zap away to somewhere snowy and quiet.