Delicious Placebo

Well…. I’ve now had 3 ECT sessions and everyone remarked today at how much “more smiley” I was. Even Lumpy says I’m acting differently. Different? Yea I’ll agree with that. Better? Not positive about that yet. I’m feeling like after zap #4 things will really start to take shape. They say the effect is cumulative and that about halfway through I should start noticing big changes. If you’ve been saying prayers for me, or sending me good wishes, keep’em coming. Today for whatever reason I’m feeling ambitious. I’m feeling like there is a lot I want to do and I need to get to doing it. That’s a big change for me, considering just a week ago I was feeling like death sounded quite appealing. I hope things keep looking up. I hope I get back my ambition. I hope I will love myself again.

And I remember who everyone is!  The anesthesia has worn off, and my head is out of the fog.  My headache is gone.  I had a three hour nap when I got home which helped a bunch.  Two ibuprofin can really do wonders. So… I think there’s a good chance that it will be business as usual tomorrow at faire (except I can’t drink).  Thank you all for your good thoughts for me today.

It’s set in stone now.  On Friday at 1:30 I’ll get my first zap.  I will try to post Friday night to see how coherent I am.  If I can’t, then I’ll have Lumpy post an update.  I am bound and determined to be at faire this weekend.  I don’t know how long we’ll be there, or how how late we’ll arrive, but dangit I’ll be there.  Good vibes on Friday are much appreciated.

Today in our last group we had a creative writing instructor come in to help us all work on expressing ourselves. We played a few games with word association, did a mad-lib, and did phrase association. Then he gave us a sentence and our goal was to write something short that started with this sentence. The group read theirs aloud, and mine was the most morose of them all. I felt a little bad after reading it because this somberness seemed to fall over the group. It was nice though that several of them applauded for me after I read. I got a bit choked up trying to read it but I ended up getting it all out. Here it is, for your enjoyment. The first sentence is the one given by our instructor.

The sunshine at Ocean City was brilliant that day. It was the last day I remember being happy. The sunshine now seems like a distant memory. A lie from a life I once lived. Now all I see is the clouds, the darkness, and the shadows. Going back to the ocean only serves as a painful reminder of how I used to be able to feel happiness so freely. Happiness that now slips through my fingers like sand through an hourglass. My thoughts fill with dread, as if the world is closing in on me. Will I ever be able to find brilliance again?

I never thought it would be me.. but it is.  I’m going to be getting my brain zapped.  No, it’s not like what you used to see in One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest.  It’s a lot more civilized now.  I am not sure how to feel about it all.  On one hand, I’m very excited that something new might work for me and this makes me very optimistic.  On the other hand, I’m terrified of the side effects and don’t know what is going to happen.  I guess the unknown is always scary.  So I should be starting my ECT on Friday if all goes well.  This means that at faire, I may be a little “off.”  I’m not sure at all how I’m going to react.  If I get my first one this week, I will make a post so that people have some idea of how to react to me when I forget their name or just totally forget that I know them.

Wish me luck.