Delicious Placebo

Woke up crying.. didn’t get much done today… now I’m at work and having another melt down. I give up.

Well, today is my second day back at work. I am working half days this week and next week it’s back to my 8 hour days. They have moved my shift from up at the hospital in Baltimore, down to Columbia. It has added an extra 30 minutes of driving. Driving alone for long periods can be bad for me. When I’m in one of my moods, all I can think about is ways to drive my car off a bridge or something. Please note, this is not where I am mentally right now so don’t panic. It’s just something I’ve realized as I was driving to work yesterday and today. I did have a bit of a breakdown before I came in today. I was in the shower getting ready to come in and just started crying for no apparent reason. I felt like I was going to die of panic if I left the house. Well I didn’t die, and I did leave the house. It wasn’t fun though. Being at work is very difficult. I’m not even sure how to describe these feelings. Luckily, I’m still alone for most of my shift. Everyone leaves by around 5PM. I really wish I didn’t have to work. I just don’t have any hobbies I can do from home that would make me money and I just can’t afford to not bring in a paycheck. My job is easy, so it’s not a matter of finding something less stressful. Just being out of the house and having any demands on me is more mentally taxing than I can possibly describe. You would think that with all the new meds, I wouldn’t be feeling like this any more. Oh well. Whatever.
On a totally unrelated note, I’ve been working a bit on my website so there’s a possibility I’ll be abandoning LiveJournal. Maybe I will cross post? Don’t know how ambitious I can really be but I know people hate not being able to just look at the friends list to see what’s up with people.

Ok, yea thats it for now. Back to work

Well it’s week.. 3? 4? I can’t even remember.  The Shepherd Pratt intensive outpatient program isn’t bad but it’s not great either.  I’m learning a few things, but overall it’s all stuff I already know.  With 5 group therapy sessions a day, you’d think I’d be getting more out of it.  I’m still rating pretty high on the blah scale (from 0 to 10, with 0 being no blah feelings at all, I’m at about an 8).  So today they added yet another pill to my cocktail.  Now I have 6 pills a day to take, plus the one pill that is “as needed.”  I have heard people say they have gone off their meds and they did really well.  I hate taking all these damn pills.  Why can’t I be one of those people?

Oh and I just found this out about the new medication: Lamotrigine prescribing information has a black box warning about life threatening skin reactions, including Stevens-Johnson Syndrome and Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis. (which causes your outer and inner layers of skin to separate)