Delicious Placebo

…I am dumbfounded by the level of stupidity of my callers today…

Caller: Hi is’ere a problem wif’da windows?
Me: The windows?  Uh, There are no system problems right now.
Caller: No not on da system, wif’da windows. I gots this can’t be displayed page’r somethin
Me: Do you mean you are trying to use the Internet and you have an error that says “page can not be displayed”
Caller: *psh* *hmf* No would you listen to me I aint on no Internet
Me: What are you trying to do on your computer
Caller: Im tryin’a do my job, where I type in all the stuff we have to track
Me: And what do you click on to open that
Caller: Hold on I’fink it be workin now..*psh* yea it workin, nae’mind

…….Its not just me right?

Dear Customer,
I understand that when you call me, you are frustrated.  You have called me because I have answers and in most cases I can solve your problem.  With that in mind, please, I beg you, do not get an additude with me when I can not solve your problem.  It is not my fault that your new computer did not have the latest Java plugin installed.  So, when you call me and tell me that you clocked out five minutes ago but now you cant finish processing payroll because you dont have Java; don’t get pissy with me and act as if I am the one who has caused this problem for you.  I am offering you the help you need to solve the problem.  Either take that help or leave me alone.
In the future, please take a moment to think before you pick up the phone, customer.  Think about whether or not you are actually trying to get assistance, or if you just want someone to blame for your problem.  If you realize that you are only looking to place blame, do not call me.
In addition to this, please do not take it out on me when your problem is something that I have no control over.  If your issue is not handled by my department, all I can do is give you the phone number to the department you need to call.  Do not huff and puff at me because I say “that is handled by HR.”  I did not decide who would do what in this organization.

K, Thx

Because today, I am feeling particularly jaded by the world, and its stupid people.  Here is a typical call for me, and I probably go through this same conversation at least 5 times a day.  Names of people and programs have been changed to protect my livelihood.

Jane Doe: Hi I need my Quibble password reset
Me: Ok Jane I can do that for you give me just a moment to log in
JD: Ok
Me: Alright ma’am I have reset your password to your first and last initial and the last four digits of your SSN
JD: Ok let me try it……(typing noises)….It don’t work
Me: Can you verify the last four digits for me, to make sure we have the right number for you.
JD: 1234
Me: Yes thats right.  So you should be typing “JDOE” for your user name and “JD1234″ for your password
JD: Oh, JD? I typed just the J

*sigh*

JD: ok now it works
Me: Yes, your first AND last initial.. ok thanks, buh bye.

*****Late Night Addition (to my gripe)******
Just got this email. Here it is, the entire emial, exactly as received. Another shining example of the type of questions I field:
“We are unable to enable our Symantec antivires.
To help our system faster”