Delicious Placebo

How could I neglect to mention in my last post that I also have:
Gained almost 9 pounds in the last two weeks, and received two parking tickets and one moving violation (which I dont have money to pay for..)

So at my shrimp’s (thats the affectionate term my sister and I use for psychiatrists) yesterday I mentioned the weight gain.  I told him that if it continued that I would stop taking all my meds.  I dont think he liked that.  He said that what I was on would almost gaurentee a 20 to 30 pound weight gain.  WTF?!  Does it make sense to put a woman on meds that will make her gain weight, when those very same meds are supposed to be making her “happy”?  Maybe they figure that the change in brain chemistry will make us not care about being overweight?? Does that make any sense to anyone?!  I mean really, when you tell your doctor that you hate yourself and think your an ugly cow, is it responsible of them to give you medication that will only make that problem worse?  I realize they are supposed to weigh the risks and benefits but they seem clueless when it comes to making the final decision there. 
Well my shrimp switched my meds again so that means that since April I have been on 7 different medications.  Trying to find that magic cocktail that will kick my brain back into drive (Im in idle now, or maybe reverse). 
I still cant get a good nights sleep.  Shrimp gave me something for that too.  I dont feel like me anymore.  I feel like the meds are me and I have no idea who I am.  The temptation to stop taking them is huge, but I dont know if Im willing to deal with the potential consequences.

its almost six in the morning.  I cant sleep.  I am literaly worried sick over all of the stress Im under right now.  I have been sitting here trying to find the answers to all of my problems; answers to my questions.
In the past five weeks I have done the following:
Completly lost my mind – Sent to the ER – Admitted to Shephard Pratt – Taken an unpaid leave of absence from work – Lived in the hospital for a week – been required to go to the hospital every day – dropped out of school – neglected everything and everyone around me – AND…. in the last week…. – lost my job – been told my rent has gone up AND that I need to move – broke up with my beloved – broke my hand – got back together with my beloved – almost got arrested – and finally, got a sunburn.  Oh and somewhere in there at the beginning I got a flat tire.
Yeah maybe we only reflect on the bad things we remember.  Pretty easy when you cant remember much good.  Dont get me wrong, there is good in my life; family, my sweetheart, friends, and I suppose I should say good health.  So why does it still feel like Im all alone?  A naked baby who just entered this world kicking and screaming.   I feel totaly incapable of taking care of myself.  How do you ask for help when you dont know what to ask for??? 
I am too strong and too smart to just make sweeping helpless statements…”my hand hurts, do everything for me.”  and “I need a job and an apartment, find me one because I just cant do it alone.” and yet, thats how I feel. 
My nerves have been pliucked raw in the last five weeks and the stress im facing now is just tearing what little I have apart. 
I dont know what to do or where to turn.  The yellow pill wakes me up and the white ones make me sleep, but the doctors didnt give me anything to make daily life more bearable.

dont know how it always seems to happen but life just has this way of beating me down

The journey is by no means over. In fact, it’s really just begining. I can’t even say I’m looking forward to the bad days but I know in the long run I will be thankfull.
So where have I been?

Well to make a long story short… Um, as short as is possible for thirty years of hurt, pain, and every other negative emotion you can think of…
I returned today from the hospital, where I was trying to recover from a very bad breakdown. I guess you could say I fell apart. No, I think that would be putting it too gently. I was beyond being at the end of my rope. I am still going to be in outpatient care for another week or so and can’t return to work yet. The doctors were finally convinced to release me witout putting me on “AMA” (against medical advice). I’ve been off and on about ten different medications, and narowly escaped needing some very scary medical procedures. I’m still a bit of a wreck but I can at least hold my head up now and try to look forward to the future.