Delicious Placebo

Woke up crying.. didn’t get much done today… now I’m at work and having another melt down. I give up.

Week number two of no work for me.  My psych appointment got delayed another week so right now, I can’t even be cleared to go back until after the 8th.  I don’t qualify for disability until I’ve been absent for 30 days so right now I’m using up all my sick, vacation, and personal days.. and then asking others to donate days to me.  Oh joy of joys.  Isn’t it great when you’re so obscenely stressed that you cant work and then on top of that you have extra stress because you’re not working?  I’m finding that everything in life is just one giant catch 22.  I’m eternally damned if I do, and yea, if I don’t too.
Oh, and I broke our new blender tonight.  I am so awesome I can hardly stand it.

I’m feeling so off.  Everything at work is sucky – it’s too hard to readjust to switching shifts.  Stuff is missing from my PC.  One of the techs in the room wants me to install and configure a proxy for him (why he cant manage this on his own, when he is a PC tech, I don’t know).  I didn’t want to get out of bed today.  I wish I had a magic teleporter machine so I could zap away to somewhere snowy and quiet.

Im not sure what other words to use to describe what I feel, but the world hurts me.  Every time I leave the house I am surrounded by harsh reminders or all that is wrong.  I still watch reality TV, but I think I have convinced myself that it’s not real, its fiction.  I can watch the absurdity ad laugh (usually).  I am in a permanent state of weltschmerz and its making me more and more agorophobic (oy! big words).  Today I didn’t even want to get out of bed because I knew the impending dread just wouldn’t get better.
Sorry for being such a downer, just had to get that out,