Delicious Placebo

Well, today is my second day back at work. I am working half days this week and next week it’s back to my 8 hour days. They have moved my shift from up at the hospital in Baltimore, down to Columbia. It has added an extra 30 minutes of driving. Driving alone for long periods can be bad for me. When I’m in one of my moods, all I can think about is ways to drive my car off a bridge or something. Please note, this is not where I am mentally right now so don’t panic. It’s just something I’ve realized as I was driving to work yesterday and today. I did have a bit of a breakdown before I came in today. I was in the shower getting ready to come in and just started crying for no apparent reason. I felt like I was going to die of panic if I left the house. Well I didn’t die, and I did leave the house. It wasn’t fun though. Being at work is very difficult. I’m not even sure how to describe these feelings. Luckily, I’m still alone for most of my shift. Everyone leaves by around 5PM. I really wish I didn’t have to work. I just don’t have any hobbies I can do from home that would make me money and I just can’t afford to not bring in a paycheck. My job is easy, so it’s not a matter of finding something less stressful. Just being out of the house and having any demands on me is more mentally taxing than I can possibly describe. You would think that with all the new meds, I wouldn’t be feeling like this any more. Oh well. Whatever.
On a totally unrelated note, I’ve been working a bit on my website so there’s a possibility I’ll be abandoning LiveJournal. Maybe I will cross post? Don’t know how ambitious I can really be but I know people hate not being able to just look at the friends list to see what’s up with people.

Ok, yea thats it for now. Back to work

Well.. I guess it was only a matter of time.  I stopped taking my meds back in May because I didn’t like what they were doing to me.  I also don’t like the idea of having to take them every day for the rest of my life.  I guess I really need to come to terms with this idea though because I’ve gone downhill and now I’m off work pending an evaluation and treatment.  I had to call the emergency EAP counselor on Thursday night at work because I was sort of freaking out or having a panick attack or something.  The woman who evaluated me today said “your paper says you are OFF duty.. but we didnt know for how long, so we left it open ended.”  Basicaly, I can’t go back to work until they can prove tht I will be able to function at my job.  I have to burn all of my sick, vacation, and personal time in order to get paid something while I’m off.  I can look into short term disability but don’t know if that applies until after you’re gone for 30 days.  Who knows.  Right now I just want the people in charge to tell me what to do so that I don’t have to think.  I’m glad I have some time off.. maybe it will help.  I don’t know if I could take losing another job (lost my last one in a very similar situation).

I’m feeling so off.  Everything at work is sucky – it’s too hard to readjust to switching shifts.  Stuff is missing from my PC.  One of the techs in the room wants me to install and configure a proxy for him (why he cant manage this on his own, when he is a PC tech, I don’t know).  I didn’t want to get out of bed today.  I wish I had a magic teleporter machine so I could zap away to somewhere snowy and quiet.

…Ok maybe it’s just me…

Am I the only one who has had it up to here *holds hand above head* with not being able to say to people what you REALLY want to?  This only applies to people I deal with at work but since at least 50% of my life is spent here (at work) it comes up a lot.  I have also noticed that it comes up most often when I’m dealing with email.  Yes, I could fill many books with the emails I have from people who don’t know what they’re talking about.  That’s ok, most of the time I just remind myself that I am the tech and they are the end user.  I shouldn’t expect them to know what they are talking about. 

But seriously.. Do you think there is an acceptable level of  belligerence when responding to email?  Can I somehow get away with writing replies that are at an equal or lesser level of coherence or mindfulness?  Is it ok if I use netspeak (omg fix my computerz!) like the people who write to me?  Sometimes I just leave the bad emails for the day shift to worry about, but my boss doesn’t like that. 

It just takes too much energy to word a reply that diplomatically says “WTF is wrong with you, why would you even think the helpdesk can fix your air-conditioner.”