Delicious Placebo

I have not written anything in a long time. I could rattle off a list of reason, or excuses, why. The fact though is that just like many other things in my life, I feel like I shouldn’t do it if I can’t do it perfectly. This attitude has really only come about since the last major bout with my illness. I wasn’t this scatterbrained before. I don’t blame any one thing in particular (the ECT, the meds, the constant anxiety) but I know that it is a million times harder for me to think clearly now. I start sentences that I can’t finish because I can’t remember which words mean what. I have composed several bits of brilliant blog material in my head, but never put them down on paper (as it were). I want to be me again. I don’t know if it’s possible to be the me that I was before without also taking back the impending doom that hung over me. I don’t want to turn this into a post about my health and my symptoms. I’m just trying to get across the point that I have an incredibly hard time doing things.

I don’t know where I was going with this when I started writing. I knew that I wanted to put something down so that firing up the ‘ol blog wouldn’t seem like such a daunting task. I’m telling myself that nobody expects anything from me, so if I don’t do anything, nobody gets let down (except me). Guess that’s it for now. Hello world, I’m still here.

Well it’s official, the ECT has destroyed my memory. I would list all of the things that I can no longer remember.. but.. I can’t remember what they are. I couldn’t remember how to get home from the hospital today. That’s a trip that I drive every single day and absolutely nothing looked familiar on the drive. I have forgotten about ten times what day of the week it is. On the up side, I think I’ve also forgotten how miserable I was. I don’t even remember who I used to be, what I used to like to eat, what I did for fun, nothing. Everyone in the day hospital program was commenting yesterday about how different I seem, how much happier I appear to be. This is a good thing. I have even been thinking this week about how much I’m looking forward to going back to school eventually, and got excited over the prospect of studying. Suffice to say – I think the ECT is working. It is certainly having its negative side effects but I feel like the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Four more treatments and I’m done (I think?). Hopefully I’ll be able to go back to work when I’m done. I’m not even sure if I still have a job (my 12 weeks of FMLA are up but I’m still receiving disability).

This year I want stuff for running. Things to wear while running, to take with me running, and things that will help me run. So here’s my wish list:

1 – Garmin Forerunner 405 (Green) http://tinyurl.com/6p64xk

2 – Road ID Wristband http://roadid.com/

3 – National Breast Cancer Marathon Oakley sunglasses http://tinyurl.com/5k6rap

4 – CW-X conditioning clothing http://cw-x.com/ss

-Insulator Expert Tights, Stabilyx Tights, Performx Tights, Versatx Web Top

5 – Another pair of Mizuno shoes http://www.mizunousa.com/running?openform

Ok that’s all to start with….. I have to get in shape for marathon running before I go getting too much stuff.

Well…. I’ve now had 3 ECT sessions and everyone remarked today at how much “more smiley” I was. Even Lumpy says I’m acting differently. Different? Yea I’ll agree with that. Better? Not positive about that yet. I’m feeling like after zap #4 things will really start to take shape. They say the effect is cumulative and that about halfway through I should start noticing big changes. If you’ve been saying prayers for me, or sending me good wishes, keep’em coming. Today for whatever reason I’m feeling ambitious. I’m feeling like there is a lot I want to do and I need to get to doing it. That’s a big change for me, considering just a week ago I was feeling like death sounded quite appealing. I hope things keep looking up. I hope I get back my ambition. I hope I will love myself again.

I am sunburned. My feet are killing me. I am obscenely tired. And, the man falling asleep next to me (or passing out from painkillers) is running a fever. He should have stayed home. I should have stayed home to make him stay with me. I don’t know what else to do to take care of him. I have taken his temp every half hour for the last 3 hours. He is either delirious or just loopy from the painkillers because he makes no sense when he talks. End of my rope? I’m there.

So much in my head to say.. I don’t think anyone cares about my angst.  Usually I just keep it all in, try to let it go.. I’m feeling like I should release my angst into the universe now for no real reason.

• still out from work – I missed my psych appointment on Friday because I was puking my guts out.  I can’t go back to work until a psych says I’m cleared.  I’m not even sure they’ll clear me until I’m medicated.  That means that there is the potential for about 4 more weeks off work.  You would think this would be good, but no, because this is all unpaid leave.
• money – I’m so glad that mdrf_lumpy is working now because all of my vacation time and such is used up.  August bills are due, and we’re now living on his paycheck.  I just realized that faire is approaching fast and I don’t know how we’re going to afford fairevers or gas to get there.
• faire – Sweet merciful crap, it’s almost here.  We have to get down to the wolfstone/potomac booths for cleaning in like, a week?  Two weeks?  Time is really flying by and I have so many appointments to keep track of right now.  I can’t even figure out what day of the week it is most of the time.

Aside from the day to day goings on, I’ve been really racking my brain about my “situation.”  I guess I’m calling it that since part of the racking is me trying to figure out and accept my mental status.  See, there I go again… all the therapists and psychiatrists use the word “illness” or “disease” but even though I’ve lived this way for my whole life, I’ve never felt like I was sick.  I havn’t figured out the root of those thoughts yet, but there they are.  It’s blaringly obvious to me right now that I am indeed sick.  I am in need of medical attention and medication.  I have a disease that can kill me (in a round-about sort of way, but you know what I mean, yea?).  I’m just pissed off right now.  Pissed off that I can’t manage anything.  I can’t remember things, can’t always motivate myself to do things as simple as shower every day, and mustering the energy to call or visit any of my doctors is nigh impossible (and I really just have to force myself to do it).  I was really optimistic when this started a few weeks ago.. I felt like I was getting help… but this week has just been full of crying and hopelessness.
There’s this quote from Dick Cavett’s blog that I read on one of my support forums that I can really relate to right now…   “..when you’re downed by this affliction, if there were a curative magic wand on the table eight feet away, it would be too much trouble to go over and pick it up”

So, that’s where I am right now.  Who knows where I’m going next.

I couldn’t handle it.. all that hair.. It has been chopped! No shaved head this time, but its super short again. It feels good and so far I’m happy. Color will be next. I can’t wait to hear what all the people managing my mental health are going to say about this.

The amusing flash game of the day.. Gates vs. Jobs in a duel to the death!

-Working day shift this week to do training on new accounts.  I haven’t made them since I worked day shift a year or so ago.  It’s annoying.  The people are annoying.  Being awake during these hours is horrific. The computer they sat me at is FUBAR (and half of the apps I needed were missing).  The keyboard was a biohazard, full of fuzzy sticky nastiness.

-The man brought home the bacon last night (literally!).  It felt good to talk about how our work days were as we drove home after I picked him up.

-It’s amazing how much my mood is affected by sleep (or lack of sleep).  I got a Mountain Dew to drink with lunch.  I should have bought it much earlier because I’m actually working swiftly now.

-I have an owie tooth that I’m getting worked on next week.  I found a dentist who would give me good meds.  Yay for good meds.  Boo for getting food stuck in the giant hole in my tooth every time I eat though.

-Speaking of good meds, the pharm companies need to make some happy pills (anti-depressants)  that work as well as benzos and opiates, but don’t have all the nasty addiction/side effect stuff.  Percocet really mellows me out.

Now that my hair is long enough again to use all of my hair accessories (hairsticks and such), I naturally want to chop it all off again.  My hair is long, heavy, and hot.  I hate having it in my face so it is ALWAYS up.  It either has to be long enough to completely put up, or short enough that is already out of my way.  Soooooo….. do I chop it all off again?  I can either go short and have some kind of girly hair or I can shave it again and then get some girly hair after it grows out. 
Whenever I cut it, I miss having hair to play with and put up into fun styles.  I also have not really wanted to do much fun styling since I’ve put on all this weight.  I don’t feel pretty so I don’t go out of my way to try and look nice.  In my never ending quest to make excuses for things, I figured that if I cut it I will have additional motivation to get my ass in shape so that when I have long hair again it will be all pretty on my slimmer body. 
Is that totally lame? Should I cut it? How short?