Delicious Placebo

Well it’s official, the ECT has destroyed my memory. I would list all of the things that I can no longer remember.. but.. I can’t remember what they are. I couldn’t remember how to get home from the hospital today. That’s a trip that I drive every single day and absolutely nothing looked familiar on the drive. I have forgotten about ten times what day of the week it is. On the up side, I think I’ve also forgotten how miserable I was. I don’t even remember who I used to be, what I used to like to eat, what I did for fun, nothing. Everyone in the day hospital program was commenting yesterday about how different I seem, how much happier I appear to be. This is a good thing. I have even been thinking this week about how much I’m looking forward to going back to school eventually, and got excited over the prospect of studying. Suffice to say – I think the ECT is working. It is certainly having its negative side effects but I feel like the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Four more treatments and I’m done (I think?). Hopefully I’ll be able to go back to work when I’m done. I’m not even sure if I still have a job (my 12 weeks of FMLA are up but I’m still receiving disability).

This year I want stuff for running. Things to wear while running, to take with me running, and things that will help me run. So here’s my wish list:

1 – Garmin Forerunner 405 (Green) http://tinyurl.com/6p64xk

2 – Road ID Wristband http://roadid.com/

3 – National Breast Cancer Marathon Oakley sunglasses http://tinyurl.com/5k6rap

4 – CW-X conditioning clothing http://cw-x.com/ss

-Insulator Expert Tights, Stabilyx Tights, Performx Tights, Versatx Web Top

5 – Another pair of Mizuno shoes http://www.mizunousa.com/running?openform

Ok that’s all to start with….. I have to get in shape for marathon running before I go getting too much stuff.

Well…. I’ve now had 3 ECT sessions and everyone remarked today at how much “more smiley” I was. Even Lumpy says I’m acting differently. Different? Yea I’ll agree with that. Better? Not positive about that yet. I’m feeling like after zap #4 things will really start to take shape. They say the effect is cumulative and that about halfway through I should start noticing big changes. If you’ve been saying prayers for me, or sending me good wishes, keep’em coming. Today for whatever reason I’m feeling ambitious. I’m feeling like there is a lot I want to do and I need to get to doing it. That’s a big change for me, considering just a week ago I was feeling like death sounded quite appealing. I hope things keep looking up. I hope I get back my ambition. I hope I will love myself again.

And I remember who everyone is!  The anesthesia has worn off, and my head is out of the fog.  My headache is gone.  I had a three hour nap when I got home which helped a bunch.  Two ibuprofin can really do wonders. So… I think there’s a good chance that it will be business as usual tomorrow at faire (except I can’t drink).  Thank you all for your good thoughts for me today.

It’s set in stone now.  On Friday at 1:30 I’ll get my first zap.  I will try to post Friday night to see how coherent I am.  If I can’t, then I’ll have Lumpy post an update.  I am bound and determined to be at faire this weekend.  I don’t know how long we’ll be there, or how how late we’ll arrive, but dangit I’ll be there.  Good vibes on Friday are much appreciated.

Today in our last group we had a creative writing instructor come in to help us all work on expressing ourselves. We played a few games with word association, did a mad-lib, and did phrase association. Then he gave us a sentence and our goal was to write something short that started with this sentence. The group read theirs aloud, and mine was the most morose of them all. I felt a little bad after reading it because this somberness seemed to fall over the group. It was nice though that several of them applauded for me after I read. I got a bit choked up trying to read it but I ended up getting it all out. Here it is, for your enjoyment. The first sentence is the one given by our instructor.

The sunshine at Ocean City was brilliant that day. It was the last day I remember being happy. The sunshine now seems like a distant memory. A lie from a life I once lived. Now all I see is the clouds, the darkness, and the shadows. Going back to the ocean only serves as a painful reminder of how I used to be able to feel happiness so freely. Happiness that now slips through my fingers like sand through an hourglass. My thoughts fill with dread, as if the world is closing in on me. Will I ever be able to find brilliance again?

I never thought it would be me.. but it is.  I’m going to be getting my brain zapped.  No, it’s not like what you used to see in One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest.  It’s a lot more civilized now.  I am not sure how to feel about it all.  On one hand, I’m very excited that something new might work for me and this makes me very optimistic.  On the other hand, I’m terrified of the side effects and don’t know what is going to happen.  I guess the unknown is always scary.  So I should be starting my ECT on Friday if all goes well.  This means that at faire, I may be a little “off.”  I’m not sure at all how I’m going to react.  If I get my first one this week, I will make a post so that people have some idea of how to react to me when I forget their name or just totally forget that I know them.

Wish me luck.

Woke up crying.. didn’t get much done today… now I’m at work and having another melt down. I give up.

Well, today is my second day back at work. I am working half days this week and next week it’s back to my 8 hour days. They have moved my shift from up at the hospital in Baltimore, down to Columbia. It has added an extra 30 minutes of driving. Driving alone for long periods can be bad for me. When I’m in one of my moods, all I can think about is ways to drive my car off a bridge or something. Please note, this is not where I am mentally right now so don’t panic. It’s just something I’ve realized as I was driving to work yesterday and today. I did have a bit of a breakdown before I came in today. I was in the shower getting ready to come in and just started crying for no apparent reason. I felt like I was going to die of panic if I left the house. Well I didn’t die, and I did leave the house. It wasn’t fun though. Being at work is very difficult. I’m not even sure how to describe these feelings. Luckily, I’m still alone for most of my shift. Everyone leaves by around 5PM. I really wish I didn’t have to work. I just don’t have any hobbies I can do from home that would make me money and I just can’t afford to not bring in a paycheck. My job is easy, so it’s not a matter of finding something less stressful. Just being out of the house and having any demands on me is more mentally taxing than I can possibly describe. You would think that with all the new meds, I wouldn’t be feeling like this any more. Oh well. Whatever.
On a totally unrelated note, I’ve been working a bit on my website so there’s a possibility I’ll be abandoning LiveJournal. Maybe I will cross post? Don’t know how ambitious I can really be but I know people hate not being able to just look at the friends list to see what’s up with people.

Ok, yea thats it for now. Back to work